Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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