Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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