she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
