Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
