but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
