I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
