Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
