i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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