Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
