then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
