I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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