I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
