She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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