dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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