Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
