The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
