Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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