the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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