apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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