Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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