also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
