I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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