glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
