She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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