Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
