Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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