It's like God shit irony all over that family
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
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I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
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Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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