Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm always down for nudity.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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