I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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