Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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