I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
