sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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