my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
