It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
