I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
