I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
