I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water