i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.