You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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