I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
whose parrot is this?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
