Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
