Capitaan dildo arrescate!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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