Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
