Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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