Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
