Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(941): View more from Florida

I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(347): View more from New York

your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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(310): View more from California

I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.

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(078): View more from

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

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(425): View more from Washington

I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.

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