I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
