ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
farters have to be the big spoon...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
