I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
