I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am one with the molecules
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
