I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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