it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
