I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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