You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
