I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
