Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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