This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
