I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
