I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
