4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
