i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
